I'm Sort of "Out" and Dating Straight by Danielle Paula Berry
This page is devoted to presenting some data about dating straight men before coming out. By the way, I expected to be a lesbian after the change and was amazed to learn that it's men that melt my butter now. I loved women (3 marriages) and their bodies. I especially loved kissing them (and unfortunately most men are pretty awful kissers). But, at some point during transition (the word we use for the time between pronouns that fit) the polarity reversed. John Money in his fascinating book Gay, Straight and In Between says this is pretty common but it was quite disconcerting when it happened to me. Now 5 years after I had my first inkling of this change I'm beginning to feel really comfortable with. (I finally met a good kisser and had a crush on him!)
Friends have asked me why I date straight men since they are usually so homophobic that the fact that I once had a penis is enough to freak them out. There are several reasons. Although I have lots of gay male friends, they aren't interested in me for romance (nor I in them). I would be fine with a bisexual male. I never tried men when I was one but I tried women when I was one and though it wasn't repulsive, it wasn't attractive either. But I wouldn't cross anything off my list yet. It's just that there are very few bisexuals. Anyway, I seem to be attracted to fairly masculine males and by far the largest group of them are among straight males.
Then comes the question of why hide my history? Why not tell them up-front so we avoid any later problems? (I am very thankful that unlike some of my TS sisters I pass so thoroughly that I've had folks argue with me when I came out!) Well, my experience is that guys have a theoretical reaction to the idea of my transgender history that is very different from their reaction to me as a person. I neither want to be rejected for my history nor chosen for it. I want to be picked for the woman I am regardless of the path that got me here. (I'm pretty tall too and I resent the guys that reject me for that and am repulsed by the guys that pick me for it. I don't like being a fetish object of any type.) Anyway, the only way to do get past the theoretical to the personal is to keep a certain amount of privacy about my past. After all, I don't mention that I was married 3 times first crack out of the box either!
The following is an example of how it goes in the worst case when the guy finds out before I get a chance to tell him. For your enlightenment I present a set of emails between myself and a guy (name changed) I was cyber dating. It's presented in its entirety (which is pretty long) but when I was facing transition and facing the prospect of rejection or celibacy I would have loved knowing how it goes in real life.
We had met once in an airport and had made plans for me to come visit him for a longer get together...
Subj: No Subject
Date: 96-05-31 17:15:01 EDT
From: jkhiggs@dfg.net (James K Higgs)
To: msdani2@aol.com
Danielle,
So...... guess what happens when you clean your desk on Friday, find a business card with company name on it, search Alta Vista and plug into the alpha list of game programmers? . . . sure 'nuff they list a former name..... I was not looking for anything in particular... just finding out about you.... that little voice in the back of my head had flashed a time or two prior to this and I sort of figured you would tell me what you wanted me to know on your own good time.. . . . but I'm not capable of pretending that I did not see the listing.
Danielle, I'm not running away. . . . certainly there were clues in your email which I could have pursued .. . . (or am I just retro-fitting information to fit the current situation?) Who knows.....???? . . . . so I don't think I'm any less sensitive or funny than I was this morning . . . . . sexual attraction I just don't know about at this moment.
I would like input from you to the extent that you are comfortable . . . . . . I won't cut off communications . . . . I can scarcely guess at how much of that you've dealt with on this journey........ I do feel that I must postpone the week-end of the 8 th. . I'm not opposed to another face-to-face, but neutral ground jumps into my mind and some time for me to assimilate . . . . . . still won't be back in place till Monday
Trust that I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
James
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James,
Such is fame (even in the small
amounts I have it) that your past haunts you! I've known we were going to need to have
this talk but I was playing it by ear. I haven't dated much so I don't have a formula for
this kind of thing. My thought was that I'd see how you "felt" and decide if
that talk was needed or not. If we didn't end up being compatible then it wasn't really
necessary so I was waiting to figure that out first. Of the four guys I met via match.com
prior to you I only told one. I broke it off with the others because they just didn't feel
like my type (whatever that means). In total, I've only had 3 guys with whom I had a
mutual affection and when I felt it appropriate to tell, I've been amazed at how well it
has gone. After an initial shock with some open discussion, my past (at least as far as
gender went) wasn't an issue. Ironically I was wanting to spend some face to face time
with you to decide if it was time to tell you because I was beginning to feel there might
be something special with you. However, the fact that we didn't get to have that time
works against us. You can't feel how utterly right I feel as the woman I am right now and
how any attraction you feel for me doesn't feel "yucky". Being raised male in
this culture, I know that even open minded guys can't imagine sex with a guy as anything
but yucky. I myself expected to still be interested in women after my change. Well
actually, first I "expectected" and then I "hoped". Women have been so
accepting. It's been like joining a sorority! It's only "guys" with their deeply
programmed homophobia that scare me. I tried desperately to stick to women for fear of
being "queer"! But once again the irony-that-is-God dictated that I was to
remain heterosexual even as I changed sides of the fence! Which BTW is not unusual for
transsexuals. Weird huh?
I don't know what to
tell you. There's no putting the genie back in the bottle and without that bonding time
that we can no longer have, I guess there's no chance you can ever think of me as other
than an oddity. And that won't work for me. Aside from my mother and two of my brothers,
almost no one has reacted to me with outright rejection. However, several folks who could
only see the stigmas and not the person aren't actively in my life anymore. I understand
those reactions completely since I have feelings like that myself about a number of groups
(such as the handicapped or some foreigners). I end up one way or another being forever
awkward with them (in my case usually "trying" too hard to be normal). It's a
bummer. I'd hope that if I spent enough time with them my awkwardness would go away but
I'm not sure. And when I'm the one under the microscope I tend to want to leave rather
than wait to find out. So, it looks like we got ourselves a dilemma here. I'll be glad to
answer any question you have (I much prefer openness to lying - even by omission) and I'll
hang out for as long as I can.
To get the ball rolling let me
redo a bit of the history I've given. I HAVE been married 3 times but to women. I am the
biologic father of my two sons (I adopted my 22 yr old daughter who was born out of
wedlock). I spent all my life until 3 ½ years ago hiding from the truth that I was a
woman trapped in a male body. I hid it so completely that even I was surprised when after
my last dysfunctional marriage had fallen apart and my therapist asked "What are you
going to do now?", I answered "Have a sex change". If felt like someone
else breaking through (and it probably was!). I had already had a brush with cancer that
made me re-evaluate my life in major ways. "I can't keep lying" is something
that kept going through my head. Ironic? Some folks might see my new life as the
"lie" but it doesn't feel that way to me. Actually my life now is the truth by
example. I only rarely withhold my history from people I like and even then it's just a
matter of timing.
During my year of
transition (that time when neither pronoun fits very well), I would occasionally say to
myself "What the hell is a 43 year old father of 3 doing … (dressed like this,
in a place like this or whatever was going on)…?" That, I'm sure, captures a bit
of the strangeness and also the fact that my kids were very important to me. I was always
their main caretaker but I had to take their Dad away from them before he went away more
permanently (I wasn't exactly suicidal but as the layers of denial fell away I was
seriously headed that way). It was the hardest part of all this for me but now they
actually call me "Mom" and it feels right!
At this point in my life not
being Danielle seems like a dream. Kind of remote like a story I read. Recently I was
telling someone about when I was in the Girl Scouts without the slightest discontinuity
even though both of us knew, if we had stopped to think about it, that it was the Boy
Scouts! The technical term for this is "dissonance reduction" - the attempt by
the brain to reduce conflict by constructing a new model of reality. Brains can't hold two
conflicting thoughts at the same time. I remember explaining this to the first guy I was
intimate with. As an aside, this predicament is one of the only ways I know that one gets
to be a virgin twice! Anyway, I had invited him to see "Priscilla Queen of the
Desert" with me and I had used his reactions to that to decide that I was
"safe" telling him my history. (At that time I was worried that a guy might be
so repelled he'd beat me up or something. I now trust my instincts better than that.)
Anyway he was wonderful! The next morning we were cuddling and he had this weird look on
his face. I asked what was wrong and he said he was having trouble picturing me as a
husband and father. I jumped up and yelled "Quit that! I can't put those thoughts
together and there's no reason you should be able to either!" And then I told him
about dissonance reduction. (BTW he and I were only together for a couple of weeks but it
was great for both our psyches. He got the confidence to go on and marry the girl he was
keeping at arm's length and I got to explore male/female sensuality from the other side).
Anyway, I'm sharing this story to tell you that I have no question about who I am. I am a
woman and in many ways a quite extraordinary woman. I can throw a perfect spiral as well
as cook for and mother males from age 6 on up! In my more together moments, I believe that
someone's reaction to me tells me far more about them than about me or my future
potential. I remember once early in transition complaining to a gay friend as we were
walking among these families at a park that I'll never be normal again and he replied
"No you've got it wrong. I'LL NEVER BE NORMAL AGAIN!" which he shouted proudly.
He was a real character. His point that I am free to be whoever I am, is well taken but I
also have to admit that I have no interest in being some transsexual activist. I prefer to
just be the woman all but a few believe I always was.
See ya…Danielle
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Subj: Re: No Subject
Date: 96-06-03 17:50:54 EDT
From: jkhiggs@dfg.net (James K Higgs)
To:Msdani2@aol.com
Danielle,
Thanks for your response.... am I still reading some humor in the parentheses?... hope so!! It certainly sounds like you made the right decision . . . I can not hope to imagine how difficult it must have been to make such a decision . . . The thing I can most closely relate to is discussions I've had with some gay male friends.. We touched on this at our visit at the airport ... in that I worked in a predominately gay neighborhood in Dallas for several years.... I do not consider myself homophobic..... I did not seek to be friends because they were gay....... they just became friends who were gay... they also spoke of the "trapped" feelings that you mentioned...... ( I am not attempting to equate your situation to homosexuality.... just my only point of reference . . . . . )
Danielle, the word "Oddity" did not bubble to the surface for me . . . still found myself looking forward to your next email. (and the next)
Last Sunday's sermon (I slept late this Sunday) was regarding the death of the old person through baptism (big subject with the fundamentalist) . . . . perhaps the process is not all that dissimilar in the transition of the old self to the new!!!
We still have time as far as I'm concerned..... I would like to understand more.... but I wonder if that process of questions and dialogue will tend to "take you back" and in so doing prevent you from moving forward !!!!!!! I would much rather be considered part of the solution.... not part of the problem!!! Or am I borrowing trouble on that account?
People in the office now......gotta go...... more later.
See ya.....
James
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James,
I've never been hurt by
curiosity and questions so fire away with whatever concerns you. One of the neat things
about where I've been is the unique perspective it gives you. I even occasionally enjoy
pontificating on the differences between men and women. For instance, I was amazed early
on by the differences between men and women in groups. I had a pseudo-bunking party with
several women I knew for my first birthday after the change. It was great. These gals
ended up sharing stuff as intimate as their orgasmic history. They asked very pointed
questions about why men do this or that. Within a month of that get together I was with a
group of old friends in the games biz (all guys except me). To break the ice (since this
was the first time they had met Danielle) I said "So now that I've been initiated
into the secrets of the female world here's your chance to ask anything you've always
wondered about women and get an answer from someone who shares your language". After
much laughter the only question was "Why do women need so many shoes, belts,
etc.?" To me this little comparison tells it all. Most guys are so uncomfortable with
their feelings and their fears that there's no way they will share them openly whereas
women do so with relish. This vignette also demonstrates the typical male fetish for
scorning women whenever possible. I GOT the implicit backdrop to the question - "Why
are women so dumb and not like us?" (BTW the answer to the question as I see it is
that we women are free to express ourselves with our clothes and the more variety we have
the more subtle the nuances we can convey. Like many things it's not that women "must
do it" but that men "can't do it" and therefore must ridicule it to keep
from feeling constrained.) <stepping down from her soapbox>
Anyway, I'm glad you're up for
talking but I'm disappointed that the invitation to visit was revoked and that it's not
likely to be extended again. So it goes. I guess my tendency to think of my life after the
change as opportunities to learn something new will have to suffice.
So can I ask questions too? You're
free not to answer of course. -- So, if you "don't know about sexual attraction to me
anymore" - to paraphrase - doesn't that imply that I'm not a woman in your mind and
that's why I used the "oddity" description. Feel free to offer other terms or
more description.
See ya … Danielle
ps. If this sounds like I've been possessed by the spirit of a strident bitch I guess it's because I'm hurt. It's not your fault it's just how I feel.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subj: Re: No Subject
Date: 96-06-04 19:19:32 EDT
From: jkhiggs@dfg.net (James K Higgs)
To:Msdani2@aol.com
Hi Danielle,
There is a comedian who does an entire routine on the "Cave Man", wish I could remember his name... caught him on talk-radio doing a bit promoting his act. He traced all male female differences back to the cave man. The men hunted, depended on stealth and communicated non-verbally while trying to sneak-up on supper and clothing. The women gathered and depended on verbal communication to insure safety while gathering..... at first it was just funny, then plausible, and as he continued relating various 'modern' situations to that context it seemed the distilled essence of 'ultimate truth'. . . . who knows.. it was pretty good stuff.
I am sorry for your pain . . . what ever the source . . the fact that you are still communicating with me implies (I hope) that you know I would not intentionally hurt you (or anyone else as far as that goes)?
Your phrase was 'after the change' which I do like . . to me that acknowledges that there was a change . . . you are different than you were (you used to be Catholic) . . Don't give up on a rebirth of sexual feelings on my part . . . and at the moment I consider the invitation postponed. I hope you will see it that way too . . . I need to deal with this intellectually before I deal with it physically, which is also the path you had to take.
Please continue to help me . . . who knows where we will learn. I'm sure I have lots of questions . . . just can't figure out what they are yet.....
James
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James,
Good luck with your figuring.
If I can supply any hard data or soft feelings let me know. ;-) You're a very sweet man
and I appreciate your struggles. Even as I was in the midst of the change myself I had
numerous doubts about whether I could handle all the stuff the future held if I went
through with it. It was very scary. Fortunately, although many of my predicted
consequences DID appear several factors made them survivable. First, they didn't happen
all at once. The future unfolds a little at a time instead of all at once (which is a
lesson I forget under the pressure of my fears). Second, much of what I expected to be a
major crisis was actually small potatoes (catastrophizing comes easy for me when fear
rules). Also, many clouds had a silver lining, good news frequently followed the bad (or
maybe I got better at seeing how full the glass was rather than how empty it was).
Finally, there were folks who were willing to help at almost every step and that made a
lot of difference. Although I lost some relationships the ones I gained that were based on
being my genuine self were so much more supportive than the old ones based on the pretense
of being who I "should" be.
Anyway, let me
know how ever I can help.
See ya … Danielle
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subj: Re: Wednesday at last (only)!!
Date: 96-06-05 15:29:51 EDT
From: jkhiggs@dfg.net (James K Higgs)
To: Msdani2@aol.com
Danielle,
You are making it easy (easier) for me to begin to comprehend all of this . . continued thanks for that... I would like to be thought of as part of the solution rather than part of the problem . . . . and even though I occasionally would like to be a bad boy. . . . I usually don't make it (there are the few totally unenlightened souls who would disagree) . . so thanks again for a bit of faith in me..... occasionally on emotional issues I think I combine all the worst features of 'Spock' and "Inspector Costeau" from the Pink Panther (which a saw on cable last week. . . great movie)
As you have made others aware of your 'change' (particularly males with whom you have attained mutual comfort levels) does the fact of the change simply become less and less important? Does it seem to reach a point (for them and you) when if remembered it is unimportant . . . or does it (or should it) ever go away completely.
I spent six years working in a hospital record room and my Dad was a hospital administrator for several years, so I do pretty well with medical terminology - used to hang-out with the pathologist assistant and do postmortems (the human body is truly amazing if you have the stomach to look) so I am curious as to which method (I am aware of two but it's been a while since I've talked to any of my surgeon friends) you and your physician elected to use. Is the voice re-work your final step? . . . . . my time in hospitals and hanging out with a cop probably explains my occasionally morbid sense of humor..... speaking of which have you been able to keep your sense of humor? . . . . . I always figured if I could still laugh about it all would be well.
I'm on the run again...... so more later
James
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James,
Thanks so much for your
questions. I can deal with them much better than the silence as you ponder your feelings
(I seem to fill silence with awful judgments transferred from the rejections I received
from my family). Your curiosity may also indicate that the shock is wearing off which does
seem to be a necessary stage in adapting to weird situations like this one.
Well, since you ask I
had the penile inversion technique, which I think if as getting the polarity right - from
positive to negative or from pushy to receptive. <grin> (Yes my sense of humor is
intact, thanks).
I personally think you've been
doing very well with the disconcerting emotions that have must have come up.
"Thinking your way through problems" sounds a lot better to me than playing the
blame game or projecting your feelings onto others.
The way the three guys reacted
varied considerably so I'll give you the details FYI. The first guy was the only one I had
sex with and as I mentioned about him before he was a very sweet young man. We had been
bar buddies and I was his confidant for a while before we went out. I told him face to
face in our favorite pub. Since he was the first you can imagine my fear. I struggled
through awkwardly and eventually he put is hand on my arm and said it's OK and I burst
into tears. We spent most of the night talking about this and various other things. He was
the person who made me aware of the dissonance reduction aspect of all this (I mentioned
it in an earlier note). He knew me too well and too long as a woman (even if only
casually) for my past to be anything but a "theoretical fact". I believe that
his "visceral truth" was that I was a woman with a unique past. Prior to him I
had felt it was probably appropriate to disclose about my pronoun change before there was
any chance of affection.
The next guy I met
on a trip to the Bay Area and we went out a couple of times on one of my weeks out there
to work. He seemed seriously smitten (sending flowers and cards to my home) so I decided
not to wait to tell him. I did it via email. He bounced back really quickly. After the
next visit he came to Little Rock to spend Labor Day (a year ago) and I got to know him
better. In his case I realized that he liked the idea of me being "damaged
goods" since he had an awful self-image. From that experience I decided that the idea
of letting them get used to me as a woman before we did the history bit needed to be
expanded. I needed to decide if I really wanted a relationship with them too. I had been
worrying too much about being accepted or rejected to look at what I really wanted for
myself. I guess the idea of being transgender was also becoming old news to me. I was
beginning to feel I didn't have to explain myself to everyone I met.
You asked whether the
voice thing was the last stage of my surgeries and since it happened at this point in my
relationship history I'll describe it now. I had a perfectly fine voice and had done a
good deal of work on reprogramming it and it seemed fine. I had pitches in the lower range
I didn't use anymore but I had range, volume and I could even sing. So, basically I had
used the "software" route to a feminine voice. However, I WAS a bit concerned
about a tiny piece of adam's apple that remained from a previous surgery so when I went
for a chin implant I asked the surgeon to see what he could do. He ended up removing too
much material and the front of my voice box fractured and wouldn't support my vocal
chords. Consequently I had no control over pitch. That was a little over a year ago. It
took 6 months to find a surgeon that knew what to do and last November he rebuilt my voice
box in a 4 hr procedure. Since then we've been working on the details as he says it. The
whole process has changed my life dramatically. I used to be very outgoing and gregarious
but when you can't speak (and be heard) it automatically puts you on the sidelines. I quit
going to bars and social events and turned into a recluse. Right around New Years when I
was feeling particularly sorry for myself and my isolated predicament I discovered the
online world. (Don't ask me how I missed it all this time but the Universe works in
mysterious ways). I met some guys on IRC and learned about Powwow (a very nice chat system on internet that lets
you send your picture) and from that I discovered match.com.
Let me do an aside here.
Most transsexuals "act-out" online first. Although I messed around with it back
when AOL was Quantum Link I scared myself too much and quit. (I never wanted to be a TS
even just online!) So when I finally accepted myself and went through the change I did it
exclusively in the real world. And when I got good enough to "pass" (the
opposite of being "read"), I had no interest in the make believe world of
online. I worked too hard to retreat to where lots of the females weren't really female.
But, with the voice drama, I was desperate for human contact not to mention male attention
(it's definitely one of the perks to being the "flower" instead of a
"bee" that I've enjoyed!).
Well, online I've corresponded
with a bunch of guys and I was amazed at their caliber as dating candidates. I met a guy
from Dallas and spent a day with him on one of my trips through town after months of
email, chat and even phone. He seemed nice, sensitive and intelligent online but was a bit
more conventional male in person. I don't really know why I told him since I had planned
to wait till I knew him a lot better. My guess is that the "little professor"
part of me grabbed the microphone and ran an experiment. His shock lasted only minutes
though. He said he had known several TS's and that there was no way he would have guessed
I was one. He also said he was still attracted to me and that wasn't true of others he'd
known. Well we've stayed in touch but I haven't seen him since then. It's ironic but his
acceptance didn't feel kosher. Maybe I can't believe it can be that easy for anybody.
Added to that is the fact that any subjects related to the change elicit no apparent
interest on his part. Those two points together seem odd to me. (I hope it's not a case of
I can't join any club that would have me as a member!)
Anyway, judging from my previous
experience your reactions seem genuine. You're awkward and confused in ways that make
sense to me. If we had had the physical bonding time which I've come to believe is needed
to create an unalterable identity of me as who I am (rather than who I was), I think we
would have no problems but as it is I'm concerned. I guess like the rest of life we'll
just have to see how it unfolds.
See ya … Danielle
Ps. On rereading this I'd say that Mr. Spock has a place in my repertoire as well.
Pps. Yes, being able to laugh about things is certainly helpful. In the meantime I have learned to take myself a little less seriously. It's a step in the right direction. Know any good TS jokes?
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Subj: Re: Thursday already!
Date: 96-06-06 17:47:48 EDT
From: jkhiggs@dfg.net (James K Higgs)
To: Msdani2@aol.com
Danielle,
Thanks for the info . . . . one of the things I have always liked about you is that you give me food for thought. I don't think of any TS jokes off hand . . . while I can do lots of jokes the more 'unconventional' side of my humor tends to take a word or phrase and apply new meanings . . . . e.g. your statement "see how it unfolds" and apply folding and unfolding in a 'crude' physical context . . . perhaps that is not humor . . . . I have heard the phrase 'sick puppy' a time or two as a description of something I thought was funny... Spending time with cops and medical people (both of whom used rash, often crude humor as a defense against some of the horrific things with which they must deal (my opinion.. at least) there is very little that is sacred...... We have both spoken of seeing psychics at times.
One who gave me a particularly insightful reading a few years ago told me that if I were in the middle of the greatest sex in my life and thought of something funny that I would say it........which is probably true.... She also cautioned that my partner might not appreciate that attitude...... Hey.... you know what they say if they can't take a joke......(macho attitude....) I'd tend to see your comments about "polarity reversal" in the same light.. but that may be my interpretation as a clever sort of humor, which I love
So as we go on with 'educating James'... You have indicated that you can throw a perfect spiral etc.... and I think I saw a football game in your game credits . . Is that an interest (sports etc.) which you retain . . . or was the interest something you did to "be one of the guys" ... or... or... So far you've been good at figuring out what I'm trying to ask......
I have to stop this short.... have to get an overnight package to the FedEx box by 515 . . . . more tomorrow
James
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James,
I always enjoyed sports but
never played organized ones. I was part of a neighborhood growing up that had a full
season of sandlot games. Soccer was the only sport we had in the Catholic grade schools in
St. Louis (all you needed was a ball and a coach). I still enjoy watching them now and
then but now that it's not an identity issue I can take or leave them sometimes too. It's
that way about a lot of things in my life since the change - I get to rediscover who I
really am.
Have a great weekend ...Danielle
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Subj: Re: Friday
Date: 96-06-07 17:20:12 EDT
From: jkhiggs@dfg.net (James K Higgs)
To: Msdani2@aol.com
Hi Daniele,
Just a second to say Hi..... really busy last day or two . . . . I'll drop you a note on Monday.... it has to better than today . . . just work stuff!!!
Don't go borrowing any worry . . . . everything is cool . . . . enjoy your week-end too!!
James
Epilogue
November, 1996
I wrote another few notes to James but nothing ever came back. Based on this interaction I stayed out of cyber-dating for a while. When I eventually got back into it I made sure my real last name was withheld until I was ready to disclose my full history. In the intervening several months I've had face to face meetings with 6 of the dozen or so guys I corresponded with. In my effort to learn as much about interacting with men, I had sex (the safe kind!) with all but one of them (and it wasn't half bad!). I told three of them about my history (two prior to having sex) and it seemed to be a non-issue. In the other three cases I chose not to tell since I didn't think we would see each other again. Overall, it's gone pretty well. This is true even though there is a certain amount of misinformation to be cleared up and the potential for the guy to feel betrayed. I try to acknowledge that he may feel blind-sided and for that I'm sorry. I tell him,
"This whole thing has been a bit like a tornado that blew through my life and those around me. I definitely didn't choose it and I sympathize with any damage it has caused. I'm just trying to go on with my life from here. I only left things out and didn't mean to lie or hurt anyone".
I can't go through this without being right on the verge of tears and if the guy is like I hoped he would be, he'll reach out and try to comfort me. So far I've cried every time that's happened. It's the relief and the contrast with the rejection that my family gave me (and hence, my psyche expects) that prompts the tears I think.
Anyway, that's my story so far and I hope it helps you in some way. I think sharing our truths is part of what life is about.